Deceptive little bastard.
I think I know exactly when it was that I stared at it in the face and got scared, because deep in it’s labyrinthian non eyes I saw the truth. As definite as an overturned hourglass. Grain by grain a picture got painted into a mound which held meaning only for me. I knew I had to be somewhere, and I had to be there at that very moment. If I didn’t make it, then everything would be futile. My heart would stop beating. My lungs would stop breathing.
This was the reality I wanted to choose to believe in. And I didn’t care about the flipside because I did not wait around to check it out. I chose a path because I felt an urgency. Unlike any that I had felt before.
I was 21.
I made it to where I had to be.
I met the people I had to meet.
And nothing exploded.
By the time I got back to breathing normally I realized two things. One: I had done this to myself.
Two: I was never going to be the same again.
And so began my relationship with time. We didn’t really talk or hold hands. But we both knew where the other was at any given point of time. I learnt to savour things more, I realized flying into rages was futile, I learnt the art of forgiveness and pride and how they walk with the same swagger, I learnt that panic wasn’t all that bad, and I learnt that too much wasn’t enough.
Time swirls and pirouettes all around you, with you ,and then decides to wrap itself around your ankles and beat lead at its own game. It lets you peep into eternity and makes you sense your frailty.
Hours, days, weeks, months, years, months, weeks, days, hours.
So relative. But completely in tune with how your heart feels.
And how your heart feels…. ah! isn’t that a mystery shrouded in beauty.
A favorite song, the smell of his neck, her touch, a word said peculiarly, your mothers voice, laughter at a windmill farm near the sea, his fingers dunking ice in his drink, that dance…
That’s when time takes off. Capeless.
Everything stands still.
A veneer of forever coats every cell all around.
Freeze dry and hold on tight.
Open your eyes and you’ve fast forwarded to a few years later.
It’s spectacular how it plays out.
And sometimes it is fun to take a step back and watch it happen, and then dive right back into the vortex.